31 Years (of second chances) Later

My indoors birthday dinner with my friends | 03.08.2024

My dear reader, how are you? It’s been a minute and let me start by apologizing for my sudden disappearance off the face of the internet. I just haven’t been having much of a life, and so how could I possibly write for a lifestyle blog? The anxiety that comes with a new job, the pressure of growing older and still uncertain of what fulfills me, unhealthy sleeping patterns, small depressive episodes, all these weighed heavily on me. But, by the grace of God, I’m still here, 31 years later, making the best of the life that I’ve been blessed with. Let’s catch up. Style inspo: a tarot reading.

How I feel about myself:

I feel like this is the part of my life where I reap what I sow. I feel like the universe is paying attention. My efforts are rewarded and blunders are costly. I feel as though everything I do now stamps. New habits are sticking, whether good or bad. Visualization is more impactful. Just a few days ago, I remembered the feeling associated with a fling. The emptiness that comes with it, the knowing that your efforts are, without fail, flushed down the drain. It’s not that this knowledge wasn’t present before, it’s that right now it plays in my mind like a horror movie. Same applies to good behavior. When I come back from work and am so cold and so spent that all I want is my bed, a memory of how good it feels to bath before bed, and the memory of the smell of fresh cosmetics is just too overwhelming to resist.

What I want most right now:

Good relationships. To fall in love, hard. The kind of love that isn’t about power. Someone who feels like home after a long hard day. I also want to be kinder to myself. To be more patient with myself. I want to spend more time with my mom and dad, and my ailing grandmother. I suggested that my sister and I have at least one dinner around the table each week. Because of both our crazy schedules it hasn’t happened yet but, I’m hopeful.

My fears:

I fear that I don’t have a voice. I am terrified to speak up. I always feel as though I’m not deserving of the good things and the opportunities that life blesses me with, like I get things out of sheer luck. And so it’s a trap that leads to a never-ending cycle of self-doubt and unnecessary mess-ups.

What is going for me:

I am blessed. So, good news, I finally hold a permanent position as a Business Development Consultant at LNIG Hollard. My job doesn’t come without it’s own challenges. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by just how much I have yet to learn. It’s incredibly hard but everyday I get better at and more accustomed to it.

What is going against me:

Unhealthy habits are costing me money. I’m wearing braces again because I wasn’t careful enough to wear my retainer full time. The diastema (gap between my two front teeth) reopened and the wire retainer fell off from the effect, even after having undergone a frenectomy. I am so thankful that Dr Mogoregi didn’t make me pay for re-installation.

About two years ago, I discovered Kombucha. I liked the taste of it but then, I overdid it. Something that was supposed to be healthy ended up somehow making my gut overly sensitive because since then, it struggles to digest meat. So eggs and perhaps chicken every once in a while is all that I can stomach (pun intended). Otherwise, vegetables. These are the only foods that I’m able to digest. If I indulge in something that my gut finds hard to digest, I have to spend money on antacids. Alcohol, sugar and dairy have become my biggest enemies when it comes to my skin. They cause dehydration, breakouts, rashes and an overall very dull looking skin. Cosmetics and cosmetics treatments are costin me an arm and a leg.

The likely outcome My new year’s wish:

For me: I wish to become someone that I can trust with my own life. I wish to try more new things. I want to cultivate a laser-sharp focus on anything and everything that I do. I wish to stay humble and respectful, even when I feel that I’m being treated unfairly. I hope to keep my peace. I hope to give myself the love that I’ve been so desperate to give away. In short, I hope to be more human.